8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
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Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha