[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
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6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Every photo I’m tagged in
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.