Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
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Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
ouch
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged