[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
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What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing