I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
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I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
gm
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.