I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
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16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..