me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
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People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
💁🏻♂️
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however