For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
You Might Also Like
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
23. the denim jacket
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that