You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
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When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
how high up are we talkin’?
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.