Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
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Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Squirrels before girls.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
The glockness monster
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too