ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
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Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Me checking my bank balance online.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer