Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
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Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Same post same
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Spider-cat: No One Home