good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
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Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.