cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
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“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Good point.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
A double negative is a big no-no.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class