A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
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When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you