My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
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Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
girls literally only want one thing..
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Noah
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.