I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
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[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.