Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
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Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1