DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
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If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
excuse me
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.