Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
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[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.