Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
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My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.