My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
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There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.