Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
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In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water