Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
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I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
hmm conte-me mais