Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
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[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
giddy up Office Depot
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]