If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
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I can fix him.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
😂😂😂
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
The future is now.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.