In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
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[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
They’re not wrong
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻