This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
You Might Also Like
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat