I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
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me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face