does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
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if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume