What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
You Might Also Like
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!