[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
You Might Also Like
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it