The Book. The Movie.
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Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.