“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
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When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Life is a suicide mission.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
new shirt idea
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people