[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
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The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me