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Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up