[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
You Might Also Like
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Care for your back
my retirement plan is braless
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Stop making fast and furious movies.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.