Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
You Might Also Like
channeling her this year
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
#Thanos #MondayMood
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”