When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
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Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
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Just take a day off
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Not even remotely sorry.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.