The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
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If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Not all heroes wear capes…
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.