Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
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Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
This classic never gets old . . .
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.