A GPS. But for where your story is going.
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Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??