I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
You Might Also Like
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
My teenage children choosing violence
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
okay run it by me one more time
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
NSFW tweet
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Unionize your workplace