Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
You Might Also Like
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur