Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
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Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.