I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
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it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.