Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
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Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
bugs when you lift up a rock
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop