[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
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When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS