What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
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When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is