A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
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me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
me doing my best
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.